Preschool Graduation

Cole's Preschool Graduation was May 16th.  He had such a fun year and has learned so much!  He is VERY ready for kindergarten.  Ms. Kira tells me that he is nice to everyone and wants everyone to feel included.  He has a hard time sitting still on the rug.  He knows all his letters and most of the sounds.  He loves file folder games and "choose time."  He likes to color and count as well.  Frequently when we are driving in the car he will just start counting randomly to 100.  He told me that the only time he gets in trouble is if he talks to Rylin too much.  Kira had 3 sets of cousin's in her class this year, so I'm sure she had her hands full :)

He did much better at graduation this year with not being so shy.  He definitely doesn't belt out the songs like Brooke, but he did sing and do the actions this time.  It has been awesome for him to go to the same school for 2 years and we love Kira.  (Bailee is going there next year)  They put together a cute little book of all the activities they did this year.  Once I get it scanned it will add it.  We are so proud of him and the amazing little boy he is becoming!

Dance Recital

Brooke had her year end dance recital Saturday.  She has been taking at Rhythm Connection this year and really loves it.  She loves to perform in front of people and she has really improved a lot over the last few months.  My camera did not like the dark so the pictures turned out horrible, but I still wanted to post them.  She insists that we get her flowers at the end of every performance.  Love her!

Ogden Marathon

I ran the Ogden Marathon again this year.  I was training and running with my neighbor Meridith up until about 5 weeks before the race, when she found out she was pregnant.  That girl is a rock star... we ran an 18 miler and I had no idea at the point that she was expecting.  After that, she finally told me that she couldn't keep going, she is awesome!!  I was super sad to loose my running partner, but I am super happy for her!  9 months and she better be ready to run again :)

I really struggled to get to race day this year.  I have posted about how burned out I am and I really wasn't even looking forward to the race.  But, I ended up having a great day.

I rode down really early that morning with another neighbor who was running the 5K with her sisters. It was supposed to be warm... and it was.  Much hotter than the last time I ran it.  I knew a lot of people running and there were a TON of people that had a really hard day because of the heat.  Luckily, I wasn't one of them.  I had several friends running that I chatted with at the start line and was excited by the time the gun went off.  I started out very steady and was feeling great.

It was nice running a race I have rim before because I knew exactly what to expect.  Last time, the rolling hills along the east of Pineview from miles 8-13 about killed Kirsten and me because we hadn't trained on hills at all.  This time I was ready for them!  At about mile 9, right in the middle of the rolling hills my watch froze.  I tried and tried to reset it, but it was totally stuck.  So from mile 9 on, I had no idea what pace I was running or how far I had gone.  I was running entirely by feel.  At the half marathon mark I was 1:35, so a little faster than where I wanted to be, so I knew I just needed to keep pace.

When I reached the big hill at mile 14, I was tired, but knew that once I got there it was all downhill through the canyon from there.  Once I got into the canyon, my legs were burning and I was getting tired, but I knew I had to keep going.  At about mile 18, my ipod died.  Lovely.  I still had 8+ miles to go.  I just kept telling myself the whole way, you can do this.  Stay clam, stay focused.  Breathe.

Turns out, having no watch and no music is a good thing.  I finally made it to the final 3 miles along the trail and into downtown.  I knew if I could make it that far the crowd would keep me going.  Any little incline along the trail felt like a huge hill, my legs were done.  But I knew I had to keep going those last few miles.  I think I counted down each block once I turned onto that final stretch!  I finished in 3:15:56.

The last time I ran Ogden I finished in 3:34 and last year I finished Boston in 3:25.  This time my goal was 3:20.  I put in a lot more miles and specific training this year than I have in the past.  Most of my training I did based on a 3:15 pace, but I wasn't sure I'd be able to do it.  I was excited about my time, but mostly just glad it was finally over!!  I took 2nd in my age division, 12th overall women, and 96th overall.

Matt was waiting at the finish for me, so I went and found him and we watched a few of my friends come across the finish line, but had to hurry home for Brooke's dance recital so we left shortly after.

The aftermath of the race was not pretty.  I have never been so sore in my life!!  My whole body hurt.  Mostly my quads and my upper back.  Stairs were a joke and so was sitting on the toilet :-)  By about Tuesday my legs were feeling much better, but it took a good 2 weeks for the pain in my upper back to go away.  The best I can figure I must have been holding my arms up higher than normal so that made it sore... All in all, it was a fun race, but I must admit I am ready to have it over and have a break!  At this point I'm saying no racing for a year... but we will see how long that actually lasts.

They had a ton of awesome pictures of me this time.  Usually I hate the way they turn out, but I  was actually smiling and looking like I enjoy running.  If they weren't so stinking expensive I probably would have given in and ordered some.  Someday I'll stop being cheap and actually buy some.

Easter

We had a great Easter!  We did our traditional egg hunt with the Liechty's and object lesson on what Easter is really about.  It means a lot that Karen takes the time each holiday to help the kids remember Christ.  I hope that it sinks in and they listen, even with all the excitement of holidays as kids.

Sunday the kids were lucky enough to find their baskets from the Easter bunny.  We went to church and then had dinner with my family.  And of course we can't forget rolling eggs down Old Main (and for some reason I forgot to take any pictures of the kids).  This is one of my favorite memories of Easter as a child and although it isn't my favorite as an adult ;-) I hope my kids will have fun memories too!

Parade

Bailee's school had a parade one day (I can't remember why -- it was some holiday of some sort).  She got to ride in a wagon across the quad while everyone watched and cheered.  She loves school and this day was no exception.  She was all smiles!

Easter Egg Hunt

Grandma and Mams planned the first annual egg hunt for the kids.  They all got matching shirts and had so much fun searching for their candy and prizes.  The baby girls just wanted to play with the balls and be outside.  We are sure lucky to have 2 grandmas and 2 grandpas that we get to share!  We sure love our family.

Solar System

Cole stayed home sick from school yesterday and spent most of the day coloring and cutting out this solar system to hang in his room.  I have no idea where he got the idea, but we printed and colored all the planets, a rocket, sun, stars, and moon.  He was so excited when it was all done.  I love when he works so hard on something and is so proud to show it off!

Lost Tooth

Cole discovered last week that he had a loose tooth.  It fell out yesterday and he woke up this morning with $5 from the tooth fairy under his pillow.  There is already a new one growing in.  Pretty exciting!

Boston Strong - Never Forget

I didn't think today would affect me like it has.  Obviously, I had a lot of emotions and feelings associated with the Boston Marathon last year, but I thought I dealt with them pretty well.  Seeing all of the pictures circulating, TV specials over the past several days, and posts on Facebook and
Instagram has brought all those emotions and feelings flooding back.  I woke up thinking today was just an ordinary day, like any other.  It's not.  And I can't pretend that it is.  I've held it together pretty well, but moments hit me like a ton of bricks and I can't help but wonder where it is all coming from.

I figured Monday would be a hard day for me because I wanted so badly to run this year, but it just wasn't going to happen.  But I didn't think today would be so hard.  And then... it all connected.  A light went off and I realized why.  Sometimes, writing things out is the best way for me to make sense of them.  This blog is my journal and although a lot of what I share is personal and not necessarily anything I would normally share with others, the writing is therapeutic and I hope that someday I will be glad to have these memories and my children will be glad that I saved them.

I've been struggling with my running for weeks.  Feeling guilty and selfish and frustrated that it takes so much of my time.  I want to go back to the carefree days in my running -- when I ran just for me and just for fun.  Not because I was chasing a PR or putting in a certain number of miles per week or even feeling like I have to run because I'm "training."

If I'm not running I'm generally sleeping or too tired to do much of anything because I've been running.  My house is neglected, my family is neglected, and I feel like everyone and everything is suffering because of it.    A couple weekends ago, we left our kids with some neighbors while we went for a date.  We went to pick them up our neighbors invited us to stay and chat for a bit while the kids finished a movie.  I SO wanted to stay and hang out, but I also knew I had to be up early the next morning to run.  I declined and home we came to bed... at 8:30... on a Friday night.  The story of my life.

The whole BALANCE thing in life seems to elude me while I am training.  I am well aware that I am no fun when I am in race mode, but I also can't seem to just let go of my goals and my running.  If you're not a runner then you probably don't understand why I can't just NOT run 10 miles everyday and truthfully I don't know how to explain why I can't.  It just is.  I am very much looking forward to this race being over and taking some time off.  Running just for exercise and fun sounds heavenly.  I keep telling myself to just let it go and take some time off.  Back off for a week or two.  A race isn't that big of a deal and my times don't matter... but then it gnaws at me.  It does matter.  You can't take time off.  You set a goal and you have to achieve it.

I had a dream the other night that we were at a party with some friends and Bailee suddenly came up missing.  Brooke thought she was in the bathroom, but when we went looking for her, we found her at the bottom of the swimming pool.  I jumped in and swam to the bottom and when I got there she opened her eyes and looked at me and tried to smile.  I woke terrified and didn't sleep for several days after.  I can't help but think that it was supposed to be a wake up call from my Heavenly Father that my kids need me.  If I am not constantly being vigilant and watching over them, they will drown spiritually.  It gives me shivers just thinking about it now.  That picture is etched in my brain and I hate it.

Today, it finally hit me.  The reasons I've been struggling with my running and balance.  The dream about Bailee and fear that my kids are in danger.  All these emotions of guilt, fear, failure, vulnerability, neglect, harm, danger, etc.  are all stemming from Boston last year.

I remember how it felt to come down Boylston street, knowing that I was almost finished, and reveling in all of the joy and excitement.  I felt like I had such a great race and enjoyed every minute of it. I was looking forward to showering and spending the night in the city -- celebrating with the other runners and that unspoken bond that we share.

I never got to celebrate.  It has been all too real today.  The memories of returning from the race and immediately turning on the TV to find out what was going on.  The debilitating anxiety and fear  -- not knowing exactly what had happened; not knowing if we were going to be able to fly home the next day or even if it was safe to leave our hotel room.  I think we both sat on the bed for a couple of hours, not saying much, just watching.  Finally, we had to find something to eat and leave the safety of our little room.  Neither of us wanted to drive anywhere, or walk anywhere for that matter.  So we found a little burrito shop next to our hotel and ate there.

All night, we flipped channels trying to get the most up to date information and find out if the airport was going to be open for our flight in the morning.  It was the most awful feeling not being able to control anything around us and not knowing when we'd see our kids again.  Matt finally fell asleep at some point, but I just lay awake all night, pierced with fear.

We woke up extra early, hoping our flight would still be scheduled, and knowing that likely we were going to have to go through a lot of extra security.  The drive to the airport was eerie.  What should have been a very busy - rush hour time of day in a big city was dead.  Very few cars, very few people.  There was a very tangible silence and a feeling of mourning seemed to overshadow everything.

Finally, we got to the airport and it too, was deserted.  We were questioned by several policemen and then let go to await our plane.  Once we finally boarded our final flight from Baltimore to Salt Lake City, I crashed.  The emotional and physical weight of the last couple days just hit me.

I was so relieved and happy to be home and to be able to hug my kids!  Watching the news the next few days and they shut down the city of Boston and searched for the suspects was painful.  Seeing the images of the finish line replayed on the TV over and over and over.  I was just there, yet being in my own home I almost could pretend that I wasn't and that it wasn't that big of a deal and it didn't scare me to my core.

Here I am a full year later and it is like I am living it all over again.  I never got to have those moments of enjoyment and celebration of my race.  Instead they were replaced by negative emotions, fear, anger, doubt, overwhelm.  All those emotions are what I'm feeling now as I train for my next marathon and try to find balance in my life.

I keep telling myself that I am ok.  I am safe.  I am brave.  I am strong.  Running does not define me.  I run because I love it and not because I have something to prove.  I am ready to let go of what happened in Boston.  I am confident and capable of achieving my goals.  I am enough and no matter what happens, I am loved.  I am looking forward to good things to come -- whether they involve running or not.

I know my kids need me.  At this time in my life it is okay to let go of my running and my goals and focus on being a better mom and wife.  I know there will come a time in my life that I will have the time I need to really train the way I want and reach those goals that I really want. Someday I will go back and run Boston and finish it the way I want, but that someday is not now and I have to be ok with that.

In the meantime, I will let go of the bad memories.  I will let go of the need to achieve.  I will finish my training and race strong next month -- because I want to, not because I have to.  I will embrace the new.  I will choose to be grateful that I can run.  I will choose joy and choose to let Him lead and guide me.  My family and calling as a mom is what is really important and I will do whatever it takes to be there for my kids.  I will not let the bad memories and running rule my life.