Easter

We had a great Easter!  We did our traditional egg hunt with the Liechty's and object lesson on what Easter is really about.  It means a lot that Karen takes the time each holiday to help the kids remember Christ.  I hope that it sinks in and they listen, even with all the excitement of holidays as kids.

Sunday the kids were lucky enough to find their baskets from the Easter bunny.  We went to church and then had dinner with my family.  And of course we can't forget rolling eggs down Old Main (and for some reason I forgot to take any pictures of the kids).  This is one of my favorite memories of Easter as a child and although it isn't my favorite as an adult ;-) I hope my kids will have fun memories too!

Parade

Bailee's school had a parade one day (I can't remember why -- it was some holiday of some sort).  She got to ride in a wagon across the quad while everyone watched and cheered.  She loves school and this day was no exception.  She was all smiles!

Easter Egg Hunt

Grandma and Mams planned the first annual egg hunt for the kids.  They all got matching shirts and had so much fun searching for their candy and prizes.  The baby girls just wanted to play with the balls and be outside.  We are sure lucky to have 2 grandmas and 2 grandpas that we get to share!  We sure love our family.

Solar System

Cole stayed home sick from school yesterday and spent most of the day coloring and cutting out this solar system to hang in his room.  I have no idea where he got the idea, but we printed and colored all the planets, a rocket, sun, stars, and moon.  He was so excited when it was all done.  I love when he works so hard on something and is so proud to show it off!

Lost Tooth

Cole discovered last week that he had a loose tooth.  It fell out yesterday and he woke up this morning with $5 from the tooth fairy under his pillow.  There is already a new one growing in.  Pretty exciting!

Boston Strong - Never Forget

I didn't think today would affect me like it has.  Obviously, I had a lot of emotions and feelings associated with the Boston Marathon last year, but I thought I dealt with them pretty well.  Seeing all of the pictures circulating, TV specials over the past several days, and posts on Facebook and
Instagram has brought all those emotions and feelings flooding back.  I woke up thinking today was just an ordinary day, like any other.  It's not.  And I can't pretend that it is.  I've held it together pretty well, but moments hit me like a ton of bricks and I can't help but wonder where it is all coming from.

I figured Monday would be a hard day for me because I wanted so badly to run this year, but it just wasn't going to happen.  But I didn't think today would be so hard.  And then... it all connected.  A light went off and I realized why.  Sometimes, writing things out is the best way for me to make sense of them.  This blog is my journal and although a lot of what I share is personal and not necessarily anything I would normally share with others, the writing is therapeutic and I hope that someday I will be glad to have these memories and my children will be glad that I saved them.

I've been struggling with my running for weeks.  Feeling guilty and selfish and frustrated that it takes so much of my time.  I want to go back to the carefree days in my running -- when I ran just for me and just for fun.  Not because I was chasing a PR or putting in a certain number of miles per week or even feeling like I have to run because I'm "training."

If I'm not running I'm generally sleeping or too tired to do much of anything because I've been running.  My house is neglected, my family is neglected, and I feel like everyone and everything is suffering because of it.    A couple weekends ago, we left our kids with some neighbors while we went for a date.  We went to pick them up our neighbors invited us to stay and chat for a bit while the kids finished a movie.  I SO wanted to stay and hang out, but I also knew I had to be up early the next morning to run.  I declined and home we came to bed... at 8:30... on a Friday night.  The story of my life.

The whole BALANCE thing in life seems to elude me while I am training.  I am well aware that I am no fun when I am in race mode, but I also can't seem to just let go of my goals and my running.  If you're not a runner then you probably don't understand why I can't just NOT run 10 miles everyday and truthfully I don't know how to explain why I can't.  It just is.  I am very much looking forward to this race being over and taking some time off.  Running just for exercise and fun sounds heavenly.  I keep telling myself to just let it go and take some time off.  Back off for a week or two.  A race isn't that big of a deal and my times don't matter... but then it gnaws at me.  It does matter.  You can't take time off.  You set a goal and you have to achieve it.

I had a dream the other night that we were at a party with some friends and Bailee suddenly came up missing.  Brooke thought she was in the bathroom, but when we went looking for her, we found her at the bottom of the swimming pool.  I jumped in and swam to the bottom and when I got there she opened her eyes and looked at me and tried to smile.  I woke terrified and didn't sleep for several days after.  I can't help but think that it was supposed to be a wake up call from my Heavenly Father that my kids need me.  If I am not constantly being vigilant and watching over them, they will drown spiritually.  It gives me shivers just thinking about it now.  That picture is etched in my brain and I hate it.

Today, it finally hit me.  The reasons I've been struggling with my running and balance.  The dream about Bailee and fear that my kids are in danger.  All these emotions of guilt, fear, failure, vulnerability, neglect, harm, danger, etc.  are all stemming from Boston last year.

I remember how it felt to come down Boylston street, knowing that I was almost finished, and reveling in all of the joy and excitement.  I felt like I had such a great race and enjoyed every minute of it. I was looking forward to showering and spending the night in the city -- celebrating with the other runners and that unspoken bond that we share.

I never got to celebrate.  It has been all too real today.  The memories of returning from the race and immediately turning on the TV to find out what was going on.  The debilitating anxiety and fear  -- not knowing exactly what had happened; not knowing if we were going to be able to fly home the next day or even if it was safe to leave our hotel room.  I think we both sat on the bed for a couple of hours, not saying much, just watching.  Finally, we had to find something to eat and leave the safety of our little room.  Neither of us wanted to drive anywhere, or walk anywhere for that matter.  So we found a little burrito shop next to our hotel and ate there.

All night, we flipped channels trying to get the most up to date information and find out if the airport was going to be open for our flight in the morning.  It was the most awful feeling not being able to control anything around us and not knowing when we'd see our kids again.  Matt finally fell asleep at some point, but I just lay awake all night, pierced with fear.

We woke up extra early, hoping our flight would still be scheduled, and knowing that likely we were going to have to go through a lot of extra security.  The drive to the airport was eerie.  What should have been a very busy - rush hour time of day in a big city was dead.  Very few cars, very few people.  There was a very tangible silence and a feeling of mourning seemed to overshadow everything.

Finally, we got to the airport and it too, was deserted.  We were questioned by several policemen and then let go to await our plane.  Once we finally boarded our final flight from Baltimore to Salt Lake City, I crashed.  The emotional and physical weight of the last couple days just hit me.

I was so relieved and happy to be home and to be able to hug my kids!  Watching the news the next few days and they shut down the city of Boston and searched for the suspects was painful.  Seeing the images of the finish line replayed on the TV over and over and over.  I was just there, yet being in my own home I almost could pretend that I wasn't and that it wasn't that big of a deal and it didn't scare me to my core.

Here I am a full year later and it is like I am living it all over again.  I never got to have those moments of enjoyment and celebration of my race.  Instead they were replaced by negative emotions, fear, anger, doubt, overwhelm.  All those emotions are what I'm feeling now as I train for my next marathon and try to find balance in my life.

I keep telling myself that I am ok.  I am safe.  I am brave.  I am strong.  Running does not define me.  I run because I love it and not because I have something to prove.  I am ready to let go of what happened in Boston.  I am confident and capable of achieving my goals.  I am enough and no matter what happens, I am loved.  I am looking forward to good things to come -- whether they involve running or not.

I know my kids need me.  At this time in my life it is okay to let go of my running and my goals and focus on being a better mom and wife.  I know there will come a time in my life that I will have the time I need to really train the way I want and reach those goals that I really want. Someday I will go back and run Boston and finish it the way I want, but that someday is not now and I have to be ok with that.

In the meantime, I will let go of the bad memories.  I will let go of the need to achieve.  I will finish my training and race strong next month -- because I want to, not because I have to.  I will embrace the new.  I will choose to be grateful that I can run.  I will choose joy and choose to let Him lead and guide me.  My family and calling as a mom is what is really important and I will do whatever it takes to be there for my kids.  I will not let the bad memories and running rule my life.

Las Vegas

Annie and I decided last minute that we needed to go somehwere for Spring Break.  We were going to go to St. George, but our moms wanted to fly so we were going to have to pick them up in Vegas anyway.  We started looking at hotels, and Vegas was much cheaper so we decided to go there instead.  Keith got us an awesome deal at the Luxor so we were all able to have our own room.

Mom and Shawna decided that it was too expensive to fly and Blair had to finish a test at school before she could leave so that left Annie, the kids, and I in one car and everyone else in another.  Annie and I left first thing Monday morning.  We were packed in her car with all the carseats, boosters, and luggage!  I wish we would have taken a picture.  The kids did great!  We stopped in Lehi for lunch and a couple other quick times for potty breaks.  By the time we got to St. George the kids were restless and ready to get out.  We stopped for a coke and cookies and let them run around at a park for awhile.  They were sad about having to get back in the car to finish our drive.  They were pretty restless the rest the way to Vegas but still did pretty good for the most part.

We finally go into Vegas around 9.  We looked like a circus walking to the hotel with all our children and all our luggage!  We had several people comment that we were crazy :-).  Once we finally got checked in, the kids were starving.  We went downstairs and found them McDonalds.  By that time Mom, Blair, and Shawna had made it there too.  They were a lot quicker driving than we were, ha.

The next morning once we finally got up we exercised and went straight to the pool.  It was nice for Annie and I to be able to take turns exercising and watching the kids.  We spent most of the day at the pool and then got ready and went to dinner.

Wednesday was my birthday and the morning was pretty much the same.  Exercise and the pool.  We wanted something fun to do for the afternoon.  We ended up riding the tram and going to see all the classic Vegas sights.  Or at least sort of.  The first place we went was to see the lions at MGM, but when we got there we found out they had been moved.  We wandered around there for a bit and found a cool crocodile that made noises and sprayed water.  Bailee was terrified of it.  Next, we decided to take the older girls to ride the roller coaster at New York New York but when we got there they weren't tall enough.  It was starting to get stormy but we walked down to the M&M and Coke factory next.  By this time everyone was getting hungry so we decided to head back to get cars and go to dinner and then come back later that night for the pirate show, fountains, and volcano.  Well, the wait at Outback was outrageous and the hostesses were extremely rude to us because we had such a "large" party they weren't willing to accomodate us.  We ended up finally requesting two separate tables because it was going to take just as long to go anywhere else.  It was still a long wait, but we shopped a little at the outlets while we waited.  Finally, after dinner we dropped off Shawna at the hotel while the rest of us went to see the sights.  We had no idea, but they had gotten rid of the pirate show last winter so the kids were really mad about that.  The adults were all very tired and none of us wanted to get out.  We tried to convince the kids that the fountains were really cool from the car, but they weren't very happy about it.  They just kept saying over and over that it wasn't fair that everything got canceled.  It was quite the adventurous night.

Thursday we exercised and then got ready to go shopping.  We went to a fun little outdoor mall in Henderson and shopped and had dinner at California Pizza Kitchen.  We went to bed somewhat early so we could drive home Friday.

The drive home was long!  The kids fought a lot and we stopped a lot.  We missed our dads!  Cole and Tate would not go to sleep for the life of them and they succeeded in waking all the girls up.  We were relieved to finally get home and get out.  It was such a fun trip and such fun memories!  I love that our kids have each other and get to make so many fun memories like we did.  I don't know that any of us realized as kids how lucky we were to be so close and to always know we'd have a friend.  I hope that our kids' friendships will continue as ours have!